.

the reasons...

2009-09-15T11:00:00.000-07:00

Sometimes, when i have a problem. Its very hard for me to jux let it out to you. ive tried so many times trying to seek consoles from you but alot of times the words-it jux dint came out right. and i do get more pissed. Its really frustrating to hear you saying: "cut it short" wheareas you already know that i always explained things in super detailed. and its jux the way i tell my stories and i would definitely felt better after that but no. That is why i usually skip my day's problem or stories becox of this reasons and i know there are times that you are not interested to hear about it. I jux need some listening ears and i wanted it so badly that the person would be you who would listen to all of my craps.

Somehow, i do understand that no one wants to hear the same old stories over and over again. and i do understand that everybody have a problem of their own which is why i rather listen to your day's stories or happenings. Or to make me feel better and forget about my problems, i will do other things like watching tv or surf the net... and its not the best thing to do either cox you will eventually fall asleep and im missing out on your voice......

But today....

im very very happy to hear you saying how much you miss my naggings and you listen to all of my craps...
i really appreciate it...
you made my day...
muackz!

the sweetest thing i ever hear frm anyone!

2009-09-14T20:03:00.000-07:00

@1100hrs

he: you know what i was missing?
she: what.
he: suddenly i miss ur nagging. i miss all ur naggings, naggings, nagging! i miss everything about you!
she: =D

2009-08-30T10:23:00.000-07:00

I really miss the late night talks...
late night craps...
and i miss hearing your voice..

why do i always need to give you calls but you always miss..
the fact that i already know that ure asleep..
but i still keep on waiting to hear ur voice before i sleep..

one day you make me laugh like crazy and entertain me when we meet,
you always got busy the next day and the day after that..
everyday, i hope to meet you soon cox only then that i can feel..
the love...

i miss you dear...
i really do..
and needing so much or ur attention..

=(

2009-08-27T10:18:00.000-07:00

two movies back to back, but the climax or the movie is not as what i expect it to be...

past and presents...

2009-08-17T05:30:00.000-07:00

year 2009,August... How long have i not be coming in here?? How come so much had changed that i never remember what ive last complained about.

i love my love life as it is rite now. The person ive always complained about almost never exist anymore.

He that i know today is..
Very loving, caring, sharing, understanding... always giving in to everything, giving so much attention that i foresee myself as being too pampered and dependant on him.

Most of the time he is jux playing kites with me- im getting all the attention today and suddenly he got super busy the next day. which really drives me crazy of cox! but it definitely makes the love glows cox he make me miss him like crazy.

thank you for taking me out to the gym which i love it except that we have no time to go for a swim....
i hope you like your bodyshop that i bought for you.
puasa pon lagi bape ari.. kena ingat, this is our year 1 as fiance/fiancee... soon the day will come that we raye together.. hehhe insyaallah.. =D

seriously, i keep looking at ikea furnitures and home appliances and my mind starts to wonder how our future house would be =D are excited as i am??

ouh yah, about tadi, u shud know by now why i keep wanting u to hv the things i got for u & family frm terrenganu?? its becox of the chelsea jersey. opps i spill the beans cox i cannot stand it already!! arghh..so please take the stuff home.. please dear...

ok gtg..

remember..
always together..

take care of yourself when your working especially... i always have you in mind.. and ure the only one i would love to rant about and i always need u to be my listening ears.... even though alot of time ive been repeat telecasting and bable too much but i hope you can stand me complains frm work and hm and all....

love u muackz...

2008-02-27T08:44:00.000-08:00

i dont even know why im being so bad. i couldnt lie to my feelings. its jux empty. i feel far from you. i made myself too much worries and now when it all hit me, im avoiding it. i felt like dec is a long wait. i felt like ive waited too long. for everything. from 1999 to 2004 to dec 2008 and 2010 is even further to be waiting for. suddenly im sick and tired of all the waitings. and when i tried to forget about all the waitings, it seems like i put everything behind and make myself to ease. and i realise that by doing that, it seems like ive put u aside too.

i used to be getting all excited about meeting ur family, about engagement about the house and about marriage. but now, i dunno what's happening. all the excitement somehow disappear. i know you would have hate me by now. i could only blame myself.

sometimes when i have a problem, i couldnt bring myself to talk to u. i jux keep it to myself. sometimes when i tried talking to u, the right words dint come out from you.

im really tired rite now. i almost have no heart rite now. i dont want to stay up any longer. my day had been already a bad one. i couldnt cheer my self up and i make your days worst.

you called up to say that you dont want to meet me and ask me what im doing. i said, "im jux staring at a blank space"

and you said, "yah, you're just a blank girl.."

im dumb. period.

2008-01-17T09:11:00.000-08:00

dearest sweetheart,

thanks for everything. now that i have you, i wish my dreams will come true for the day. i love you i miss you. im really sorry to cause you the trouble today dear... i m really sorry.. thanks for sending me to work dear.. i needed that. thanks for everything dear... hope to meet u soon... muackz.

love, your sweetpie.

my mr brown eyes

2008-01-04T07:47:00.000-08:00

Dear sayang,

Things have changed alot since the day we went to the beach. i felt like im dreaming even right now as i am typing my words out, Ouh dear, Please tell me im not dreaming..

From my last post, i want to cry about what i say.. im such a bad person.. i cant even recall what happen dear... but i only remember that i kept complaining too much about you. I never Thought you could ever change. I douBt everthing you could possibly do. i dint realise that. It wasnt you, but it was me. you are a good boyfriend anyone could only wish for.

YOu blew my mind away.

This is the biggest suprise i ever get from you.

ALtough i used to feared your anger, now i hardly hear you scream at me.. when you're with me, you're are plain sweetness dear...

YOu are there when i needed you. You hug me when i needed it. Its nice to be by your side dear...

you Pamper me like you never did before. you Love me more than i could ever imagine it to be.

my mr initiative..

romantic...

sweet..

lovely..

mr make my day...

mr cute dimple..

you are my crying shoulder, listening ears.. my everything...

Sayang.. i hope this dream will last forever..

my mr brown eyes..

poor baby, have to eat pasta with me.. dear! i love you so much! so i think its time for your satay and murtabak and tulang and cahaya ok.. my treats.. hehe..

i love to look at your little brown eyes and im sorry, i like to tease you. * hehe.. but its true that you cannot see the world when you laugh.. hehe..

i love to look at your lips.. its hot! but i think you mcm self concious when i do that.. but no worries.. its sexy and i super love it! hehe.

dear.. im sorry if i did you any wrong.. give me room for improvements dear.. i will always look fabulous for you when we meet k honey.. jux for my baby..

you are the sweetest thing that ever hit me and i dun want to lose you..

and i will be super jealous when another girls wants you.. is there? you have to tell me if there is ok? hehe..

i want you. i love you.. i wasnt to grow old with you...

i want to make your DAY EVERYDAY!!

thanks for everything dear.. a better beginning for both of us for the new year..

i cant wait for the special day to happen..

i wish the day is near..

i love you. im thinking of you and i miss you...

my baby donald honey bunny bumblebee alvin sadli...

hmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmm..
muackz!

2007-10-25T08:51:00.000-07:00

You wouldnt understand it dear..

I already spend 6 years of waiting for you to tell me that you love me. Tu pon i kena really push you to talk about what you feel. Then Now 3 years had passed. ANd you are not even Romantic at all. Once in a while you're sweet, i know but i need to wait another 3 years perhaps. Whatever i say, whatever i feel, i cant even confide you because whatever i say always make you angry!!

Its only a few days ago that im madly in love. You bring me for swimming session, hug me, manjekan me...

why??

it is always my fault dear??

why cant you listen to me?

Am i so bad that whatever came out of my mouth really dis-please you?

i only envied my girlfriends because they are close to the guy's family, kuwa together sumer.. cakap tu pon salah.

betol pe, things just happen slowly for us. tu pon salah ke yarasha nk cakap?

pastu sadli tau marah yarasha je. suruh yarasha cari orang lain. cakap yarasha menyusahkan. sadli dah bosan ngan yarasha. selalu marah me je. sumer me salah.

you pon pernah cakap, whatever i wrote in hear is all the bad things about you. Of Course la!! i dun go around to say what i feel about you when you are angry at me!!! And i cant even confide to you, cant tell you the truth of what i feel and you cant even be a shoulder to cry on!! And everynight you always have to make me cry.

so now you're happy???

2007-10-20T11:53:00.000-07:00

20.10.2007

he didnt even have the courtesy to reply me back when i wish him, "happy 3 years 1 month"

Its just sad. He really will never change like be more initiative and be more romantic. i mean, all of these are just the little things that will definitely made my day and i cant even recalled if he ever wish me. Its almost never.

i just hate to be away from him. its really hard to feel him to miss me or something and its really hard to feel his emotion.

Its been 3 years and i havent seen him doing something that makes me super shocking for like surprises or something. Im still waiting for a miracle...

Sometimes its hard to even communicate with him and if im filled with anger or need someone to turn to, me might not be the one to turn to. And all he had to do is always cut my conversation and making me more mad like the other after my ica interview. He usually wouldnt let me finish my sentence and its really frustrating and i couldnt even stand up for my self and he will never let me win my defense. he do not even noe how to pujuk pon.

yarasha yg marah sebab sadli buat me marah, yarasha yg merajuk, yarasha jugak yg kena call u again after waiting the whole day for your call tapi you tak call pon. yarasha tak de org nk turn to or a shoulder to cry on and this is my only means to letting go of what i feel. You wont say sorry or pujuk pon cause you never feel that its a neccessity and u think its all "tak perlu".

i can only cry and cry and cry and let out my anger and its something that is gonna happen forever if you wouldnt change. susah sangat ke nak pujuk? sadli tak de masa nk pujuk yarasha agak nyer. maybe its just your nature to not be bother at all.

time check: 3.37

sadli tau tidor je. but i had sleepless nights just cry and think about how you treat me and not being sensitive at all with my feelings. =(

2007-10-08T08:28:00.000-07:00

can i ask you something?

yes dear?

what you think abt me?

y u ask?

naluri hati yg srh tanyer ar.

i think ure ego, not romantic & u dunno how to please me wit surprises. but i jux need to appreciate that at least some one ever n still loves me...

so i am not a gd bf?

i dint say that..

k, do you love me?

i do, i will always do and i really love you. even if ure ego and not romantic but i need to accept that u wouldnt change for me and its all becox i dun want to lose u..

have i done anything nice to you?

not really la. y?

k just asking. boring eh?

y do u ask if it all doesnt make a difference?

k thank you.

asl ngan u ni? i tak nk ckp lagi la. u never want to accept wat i say pon.

haha, me tak marah la. ape la.

have you done anything nice for me?

tak baik la kalo i say, maybe if i pernah buat pon not to be remembered.

wat is it? tell me wat is the nicest thing uve ever don for me..

haha. tak de la. nvm.

wats so funny? tell me la wat is the nicest thing uve done for me?

nothing. just like you say.

wat is the nicest thing ive done for u? do u remember?

tak la not at all.

i havent done anything nice for u ke?

u have and i remember.

wat is it dear?

ader la.

tell me wat is it?

not in sms la.

i remember everything. Every single nice thing that he did. i remembered. i still remeber when i was working at pastamania and he suddenly appear to fetch me home in the middle of the night. 2005 new year, he fetch me from work at pastamania and he got irritated when we were suffocated into the streets full of bangla. he came down all the way to jurong point pizza hut and fetch me home after work.i remember my very 1st gift, escada perfume and bodyshop shower gel. i remember that he got me the police shirt even though he got no money and i still wear it even though it is really big. i remember that he bring me to the shop to buy a diamond necklace and when its broken, he got a new one for me. i remember the keychain he got for me when he was on tour for cruise to nowhere. i still keep the gucci bag he got from petaling street. i still remember what he got for me during our 2 years anniversary/ my birthday, my piere cardin wallet. he also got me puma hand bag. he got me everlast sweater, XOXO flair pants, elle running pants, nike yellow shirt, outfitters shirt, bodushop lotions, the diamond ring that i still wear to this very day. i still remember that he took me for a ride in the cable car and ludge and sky ride and he always treat me when i usually dun have money at all... he even paid for my perms and highlights.

i still couldnt forget when you declare..

"saya, muhd sadli bin razali mangaku bahawa saya akan mencintai yarasha binti mohamed sehingga akhir hayat saya"

i definitely still WILL ALWAYS treasure, appreciate and thankful for all the things uve done or got for me or say to me and i will never forget all that dear... what makes you think that i would forget all that?? the chapters of my life is the happiest with your presence, well even if we might argue alot sometimes, still i believe that your love for me is by far, the greatest i ever known. And i love you no matter what..

2007-10-04T11:55:00.000-07:00

i miss u i miss u i miss u...

i wish he would say that to me.. its so unfair why men dun even express themself. and they look like they have no feelings. it it due to their freaking egos or wat?

nothing else i could say or do and only if you knew. I dunno why and what is wrong with me but its all about the same thing again. Im in denial over and over again. i would like to deny that you are not romantic at all. and he Doesnt know to gives me surprises and he.. he.. sigh!

Dear.. When i cry out and say that i miss, all i needed is just some sweet love plrase from u too and all you can say is that im am plain irritating. i dun even know whether you know how to treat a girl or not. And i always feel super one sided about this whole love thing and im so fucking sick of it! Is it so difficult to like freaking express and let out all the whatever love you had for me? so what now? im such a freaking irritating girlfriend?? and i was waiting for you the whole day, and you dint even call? and all you can say is " i was iting for you"

i really miss you so much and nothing is gonna change that..

i had your pix in my hp's wallpaper. i browse thru your pix every nite before i go to bed. i miss your voice. i really miss you and ive never miss some one like this before.

maybe i should just give up. give up on hoping that you would treat me the way i want it. i need to give up expecting more than you. i need to give up to expect you be romantic and sensual and sensitive.

i just wish someone could send me a bouquet of blue roses or like give me a surprise gift or at least present me something sweet like i dun care whatever it is.. Something that i would never forget for the rest of my life..

yah by the way people, dun ever had your anniversary be on the same day as your birthday ok. its not cool at all.. sigh.

i dun even have someone to turn to. i mean, why talk to friends and family about boyfriends rite? and its weird that he who makes me so mad rite now is the one who eventually could cool me down and yeah too bad dear is sleeping rite now.

time check: 4.21 am.

dah kena sahur. i hope i get a gd sleep and forget about everything. haiz. i think i shouldnt disturb him or call or msg him so often or else i might hear him say me being irritating again. it really hurts the most when he said that actually. it doesnt even make a difference if he knew im hurt or not anyway.

i really wish i knew how much he miss me though... which he never discribe or express about =(

2007-10-02T04:43:00.000-07:00

01/10/2007

her: i love you no matter what baby...

him: k. cyg u.

her: is there anything you want to tell me baby?

him: you are the best i ever had and i dun wana loose you...

her: no one ever tell me that... =(

he never said that b4 and im happy to hear that from him.. we met we chill and we *muackzz!* *heheh..

actually i just dunno why that lately, ive been expecting something special out of him but i kept on waiting for the moment. He never send me flowers and i love blue roses. He never give me any surprise and i love surprises. he's never romantic and sensual and i needed all that but all he could say that all of that needs money. Money, it has always beena factor. haiz.

anyway, my life right now, being such a domestic house wife. i had to do an amount of laundry whereby i could almost swim thru it and that definitely includes folding, drying and washing of mounts of clothings and i had to do cleaning, washing of windows, sweeping and like wiping all the dust which is so visible it could make up a "cotton" ball! not to forget the dishes and gardening!

ouh yes! bro's fiancee is another problem. its not mine of cox but its still my problem considering that i had to do extra spring cleaning and she dint came in the end! watever! and i always havet ot nag my mom about it. ive told her so many times not to try so hard to so semangat about her presence. why bother anyway? its your future daughter in law who is suppose to impress you rite? duh!

so job, oh job. i hope i got a good job. i hope i got it soon, oh job! please let me come your way...

sigh!

2007-09-19T22:29:00.000-07:00

I dunno to be angry or simply dont have to bother with what had happen THE OTHER DAY. i dont even know whether i should be blogging about it or not and anyway blogging defeat the purpose of being my listening diary! Human resource customer service Job interview was super long and CCPE told me to come for another selection NEXT month! Meet dearie at bugis and supposedly he wanted to take me to geylang but since I thought i could meet her at bugis, So we stayed there. EVentually it all turns out like wHatever. We were so near yet so far to meeting each other. If i knew she wouldnt wana meet me, i could happily go geylang to shop, which i believe could make my day far more better. Me and dearie were like booking a table for 4 and we actually still do not want to get our food even after break fast has pass and waited for her presence instead. It doesnt make sense why she is giving me this whole whatever thing. i pass by her after our meal. I dont even know if she saw me or not. She seems to be so engrossed with the other party. I Feel so sad why she had to put aside her "friends forever" because of some whoever. So, whatever. I dint have the chance to go geylang and it all turn sucky jux because i choose to stay at bugis.
.
I think ive learn my lesson. If im out with dearie, i should not bother about anyone else or even planning to meet em! Wasted!
.
P/s: DEar.. im sorry things dint goes as what you had planned for us. Cant wait for tomorrow!! =)

2007-09-15T11:48:00.000-07:00

Yesterday, went over to dearie cribs for break fast and i thought i started out perfect. But guess what spoils it? its simply me myself and i!

ok

i straight away starts of in the kithen to pass on the Rojak mama that i bought, to his maid. I was helping out for some kerja-kerja anak dara la katakan. Such as potong buah semangka, alih kan rojak ke dlm mangkok. But when it came to buat air, i was totally mangkok betol la!! tengah buat syrup barli, pastu aku gi rase the drink like nobody's business! i did infact tasted the drink for like 3 times! in the presence of his mo!!! suddenly his mum look and me and said " tak puase ke?"

Gosh!! i totally freaked out and forgotten all about fasting! habis la.. and iw as like "Arghhh puase!!" i will never forget this day and so does he. its really funny and i LOL after we went off from his place.

haiz.. susah betol jadi pompan sei. like u really need to please his mother especially and if yu suck at it, there goes your chance of becoming the in laws!

then his mom did ask me, "tak buat kuih?"
i was like.. " tak la.."
she said.."asal tak buat kuih? anak dara kat rumah tu bnyk pon tak nak buat kuih."

well something like that i think. i was seriously going like * silent-Bunyi cenkerik* im such a bad impression. which is kinda of sad actually and his mom are hard to please.

i wonder how she would react if her son brings home some girl that behaves mcm my bro nyer fiance?? hahah.. what the hell... i think my mom is too nice la. she will surely gives out her smile and "acceptance" to whoever her child might bring home for serious relationship..

yeah thats y i sadi ibu ni, mcm "ANA:.. ana from citer hikmah tu la.. hahhaha...

btw tadi my parents were talking. so its another story about their beloved jiran tu la. same old stories. Some who new them came to us and said that our "beloved" jiran tu ckp ibu sombong this and that. tak habis2 ibu kena fitnah ngan "beloved" jiran tu. its been 14 years now that we have been staying opposite each other's front door yet they will always keep on telling the whole wide world that my family especailly my mom, is sombong and jahat and stuff which is ugly giving our family a bad name. But in the end, Tuhan yg beri petunjuk and the world believes we arent such family. Biler dorg nak insaf pon tak tau la..

So anyway, now im trying harfd for a job for my future and i do hope i get a good pay ing job that worth alll my futher studies. duh. and i do wish to give my parents a better life...

2007-08-27T09:13:00.000-07:00

Went out to meet besties and when i got to zara, i feel like getting the green top. I was trying on it and it is as lovely as the one that i had in yellow. A plain shirt yet its nice and comfy costing only $19.90

Called up dear to informed him that i wanted to buy the top but he said that there is no credit in our bank. FYI, our bank is my only source for money because my own accout had been terminated. im only short of $2.90 off my cash in my purse to buy the top. He dint even inform me about the credit balance. I was so sad. I hardly get to buy want i wanted. he always objects to most of the things that i wanted to buy anyway.Felt like crying which i eventually did and i wouldnt tell Nirwana about it when she saw me with my red eyes and re nose of cox. sigh.

ive finish my exams but i couldnt buy my own stuff to destress. Dear always say lain kali boleh beli but lain kali always means that the stock is no more available.

When i had the cash, i couldnt find things to buy. When im out of cash, there is always things to buy.

Its jux the nature of women to go shopping and women always keep on shopping eventhough she already had similar items at home. Like they still get another pair of slippers eventhough there are dozens pair of it at home. Well, men just don't get it i think.

When i have cash, i dont know why i put myself behind for stuffs and always trying my best to buy him something. I don't even know why i wouldnt mind spend all of my hard work on him and spare none for myself. Maybe because i only wanted to please him, make him happy. Its not always that i buy him stuff anyway, so i thought it was ok.

I feel very angry. To myself maybe. i did not have cash to shop and i did not have a job. My tuition pay still comes a long way to go. i only can depend on my everyday allowance. but it always finish up when i go out of cox. sigh.

Money matters.

and you don't understand what im feeling right now.

sigh.

but..

When i do get a job, getting myself busy and having no time for you...
Im only worried that you will fade away from me again.

sad.

2007-08-16T07:09:00.000-07:00

Pleasing you is the hardest thing i ever do because till today, after everything that ive already compromise and even change myself, it still doesnt please you.

I cannot Stand your ego. i cannot stand when you always think that you're right.

Today, i dressed up nice to meet you, to please you. But when you meet me, you act different. i can understand that maybe that is how you always react when you're hungry. When it came to lunch, you wanted to eat something usual. Everything was ok.

In the movie, i really love how you treated me. pamper me.. hug me.. kiss me..

On the way home... things get corupted when your TL call up for work. I Tried to calm you down.
but when i merely suggest that you drop at boonly, and so that you can take taxi home, u dah biseng. You say tak de duit la, itu la, ini la. ok la fine. tak de duit. then tak payah nak maki me pe.

i cannot stand it ok. i dunno why you like to maki2. Fuck?

Fine k. Im suck a Fuck. So much of respect that i get from you right?

Back at home, dad is having heartache with sara. she got punish of cox but she couldnt accept it. she wanted to run from home and it breaks my heart to see mom begging her not to. My mom had to beg her not to leave?
It simply make me hate sara more. she say she can live on her own. but mom says, if she run away from home, mom will run too. its like so super nonsense! i hate to see mom cry. and dad was so full of anger at the point of time. i cannot stand sara. and her stupid F*** ego and she thinks that she is not in the wrong!!

i would fist her F**king face if mom is not there. i had to keep myself quiet for mom. yah right, i still need to be quiet when she sarcasticly says "tak de org dlm rumah nu suke ya. ya nak kuwa dari rumah. boleh hidop sendiri."

What the F! she really get into my last nerve. Kalo nak lari, lari ar. sedangkan duduk free ngan keluarga je, dah tak de duit. ape lagi kalo hidup sendiri? kalo nak berambus jus go ahead and gie mampos la.

feel so shitty right now. had no one to turn to. i jux needed to let out of what i wanted to say.

why suddenly everyone is acting up being suck a jerk?

Tried to talk to dear but it just make me feel worst. He is still with his ego and its so irritating that he wouldnt reply my msg.

me: "jangan cari yarasha lagi k."
you:"k. same goes to me k."

Fine... just dont bother.......

do i have to beg you not to be what i hate you to be?
do i have to beg you not to say harsh word on me?
do i have to beg you to stop your ego?

i cannot live with you if you couldnt change all that...
i really cant...

and i cannot live my life when if dont have you either....

=(

shopping just for him

2007-08-11T04:57:00.000-07:00

he is loving this....

and he is loving this too...

Glad that i could make his day Eventhough in the beginning, i was feeling so sucky that he wouldnt let me surprise him with these gives but it all ends up worthwhile. Eventually, we find ourselves the cheapest bargain for the givenchy perfume which cost $65 for the big bottle! Yeah yeah! He gets all worried that i dint get anything for myself but i dun really care. Somehow, i dun have the urge for shopping rite now. Not yet. *hehe. Anyway, needs to concentrate in my near exams which i need to buck up alot or else i'll have to repeat. NO!!! im already shaky enough when his mom ask me about "dah habes skola??" soalan bonus. think if i pass then i can give her a call again. just for now, i need to do my best.

best wishes for aye!

dear:

Hope you likes it!

i heart you! =P

2007-08-08T04:55:00.000-07:00

i never ask for anything like this but i do acknowledge that......

he hugs me when he meant to say "i miss you"...

he kiss me when he meant to say "i love you"...

and he nags me when he cares..

he even show off his dimple to make me miss him more...

One day everything is so lovely and the next always gets ugly. That is just the nature of love i guess.

Could'nt get much sleep last night and my head was aching. I might be in fault but so are you.

I could cry for missing you and i could be the most sensitive girl you'll ever meet. But why? Why could'nt you be the shoulder to cry on. Why won't you show that you're concern? or care?

i cried when i need your attention. i sulk so that you can pujuk. Telling you im being so stressful so that you would treat me nicer and saying i miss you while crying to make you pamper me better.

Often, you get the wrong idea of everything and im always to be blamed.

still, i felt better when you called knowing that i sulk.

One thing great about you is, nomatter how terrible yesterday is, you seek everyday as a new beginning.

And that is why i love you.

Saying sorry is the matter for me.. but for you to make everyday a new day and a new start already melt my heart....

I heart you!

hmmm...

muackZ!!!

2007-08-06T08:38:00.000-07:00

what is love?

love, sometimes it can be a cure and sometimes it can be a poison to our hearts.
love, is just a painfull game. its either u stay on with the game or end it.
love can make someone be on top of the world and it can even bring them to the very down.

life it is right now, very glad that i have him in life. though most of the time he nags at me and nag and keep on nagging, i know he cares. even if i could get irritated or hate his attitude, there is still room for the fondness i had for him. he makes me smile and laugh alot: ive never felt this happy with a guy before.
even when ive reached home, i still tink about him. Recalling his laughter, his cute dimple, manje... love to joke around with him and ive been teasing him "norizam number 2" hehe...
its really amazing how sometimes he can act so mature and there other time, he can act like erm well i'll still called it norizam number 2. haha..

today, i really enjoy my day with him. get pampered by him with hugs and kiss. it feel so nice to be in his arms.. and i love it..

again, today once he called me "sayang" and i totally record the moment in my brains.. he wouldnt repeat his words but im still happy anyway..

hearts him alot. never want to lose him and i really. ermmm, yarasha sayang sadli...
thank you for the day dear..
you had free me from my stressfull life.. ok not as stressful but project and exams are driving me crazy!

* yeah yeah!
hehe stop it sei...

2007-08-03T08:55:00.000-07:00

when out to meet him for lke 2 hours. short perioid of time but i really enjoy it. get me to release my stress and anger level. even though today he is sweaty and sticky and worn out from work, im still glad i do make his day. somehow its never been enuf for me. im always missing my baby.

dear.. everytime that i miss u, i close my eyes and feel u.. feel that im hugging u tight.. i really miss u so much.
having headache right now. and it all started about the most irritatingly hated sis who always wear my aparrels from top to toe. happy that he make my day even tough im having headache.

yeah esplanade is so crowded today and he love it. im not having it in favour though becox its so diffiult and uncomfortable to hug him tight and kiss him alot..

way home, i dun wish to sit becox i thought i can hug him while standing up.. but there is a seat and he make me seat...

look him in the eyes(but he needs to open his eyes big big* hehe) and i can see he is very tired.. wish that he could send me home but that will make me a selfish girlfren. saying goodbye is the hardest thing to see.. it always make my tears roll down..

ouh yah, need to mention this. today, he called me "...sayang.." i read his lips for saying the word and i will never forget the moment...
sayang... ouh my god, how often would he say that to me...
heheh
thank you dear for making my day.
*loved*
hmmm
muackz

suicidal

2007-07-29T08:48:00.000-07:00

he put my ringtone as "beautiful girl" by sean kingston. aww.. i tot it sounds sweet.. and he meant it sweet of cause.. but when i got back home and did some research, the meaning/lyrics of the song is:

Your way to Beautiful..Girl.. Thats why it'll never work..You'll have me Suicidal..Suicidal...When You say its Over..Damn all these Beautiful..Girls..They only wanna do ya Dirt..Dey'll have you Suicidal..Suicidal..When dey say its Over..Verse1:See it started at the park used to chill after dark Ohh when you took my heart.. dats when we fell apart..Cause we both thought..That love.. last forever (last forever)...Dey say we're to young..To get ourselves sprung..Ohh we didn't care.. we made it very clear.. And dey also said dat we couldn't last together (last together)...Hook:See its very Defined.. Your one of a Kind..But your much on my mind..You often get declined..Ohh Lord... My baby is driving me crazy...Chorus:Your way to Beautiful..Girl.. Thats why it'll never work..You'll have me Suicidal..Suicidal...When You say its Over..Damn all these Beautiful..Girls..They only wanna do ya Dirt..Dey'll have you Suicidal..Suicidal..When dey say its Over..Verse 2:It was back in '99.. Watching moives all the time..Ohh when i went away..For doing my first crime..And i never thought..That we were gonna see each other (see each other)..And then i came out..Mama moved me down south..Before i was with my girl..Oh i thought was my world..It came out to be..That she wasn't the girl for me (girl for me)..Hook:See its very Defined.. Your one of a Kind..But your much on my mind..You often get declined..Ohh Lord... My baby is driving me crazy...Chorus:Your way to Beautiful..Girl.. Thats why it'll never work..You'll have me Suicidal..Suicidal...When You say its Over..Damn all these Beautiful..Girls..They only wanna do ya Dirt..Dey'll have you Suicidal..Suicidal..When dey say its Over..Verse 3:Now we're fussing.. and now we're fighting..Please tell me why.. I'm feeling slighted..And i don't know..How to make it better (make it better)..Your dating other guys..Your telling me lies..Ohh i can't believe..What I'm seeing in my eyes..I'm loosing my mind..And i don't think its clever..Chorus:Chorus:Your way to Beautiful..Girl.. Thats why it'll never work..You'll have me Suicidal..Suicidal...When You say its Over..Damn all these Beautiful..Girls..They only wanna do ya Dirt..Dey'll have you Suicidal..Suicidal..When dey say its Over..

i thought it was ironic and i told him what the song is all about and were kinda "LOL"..

anyway, had big fun time/good quality time spend with dearie!
ok. he just nagged to me not to wear tube dress anymore. cause why? he said im letting the whole world see my cleavage. which he is jealous of course. he seldom get to see those dresses which i frequently wear when im not meeting him. (heart him nomatter what) today is a very happy day for both of us.
when to eat at long john den to bugis all around and finally when to eat murtabak. we tried out zam zam's next stall actually. we are kind of a traitor regular cutomers. but what the heck, we went for another try. the last time was a good meal but today, my mutton chop is not around. so sad actually. haha!
oh yeah he got a long sleeve smart shirt and he really look hot when he try to fit into it. he really look hot. its very rare to see him with smart long sleeve shirt.. *fall in love again. hehe..

had a lot of hug from him today and i love how he treat me! big smiles!

he sent me home till my front step and mom manage to catch a glimpse of him. she was actually caught in action! hahah she said she was embarassed aka mangkok la kan, tengah kai tak senonoh and my dear kinda saw it. he wouldnt mind i think.

heart him alot!

by the way my cough havent recover and its sucky cause it sounds so terrible! might need to go doc again! yikes.
anniversary is nearing and i need to plan big time to surprise him! yeye!!

it makes me smiles

2007-07-27T07:30:00.000-07:00

Just had an ugly conversation 2 days ago and he pushed me to the maximum limits and make me hate him so much. He wouldnt admit it and he wouldnt let me have my rights to stand up for myself. he always put everything to my blame. He is always right. When im angry, he gets angry too. he is simply not born a loser.

Still he wouldnt want to leave me (which im happy of course). Ive told him that im frustrated with him, irritated with him and i do think that i've let him down.

he said" luckyly we are not engage... if not.."

and he is right about it..

After all the ugly word i put on him, he finally ask me one question.

"yarasha sayang sadli tak?"

i guess that is my weakest point. i do. very much indeed. And he need me too...

Anyway, yesterday talk to him again and im very very happy about it. While we he was talking about his day, this and that, i ask him "pleaded guilty tu mcm maner??"

and he was like..
"its mcm k, example: saya muhammad sadli bin razali mengaku bahawa saya sayang yarasha binte mohamed hingga akhir hayat.."

His words came in slow to my brain as i dint quite hear him but its clear enuf to make me remember my whole life! i actually cried because im so touched that noone ever confess such thing to me before. The sweetest thing someone would ever tell me. It makes me miss him more. Miss him too much but we couldnt get to meet at all. sad. sigh.

im always craving for his loving words. i know he love me. i know he cares. But to hear him say it, words are hardly there. Once in a while when i catch him called me "sayang", i would ask him to repeat the word. And as usual, my dear sadli plays hard to get. hmph. But somehow i like him the way he is.. my sweet honey bunny baby donald bunblebee! hehe.

i still remember what dad says, a man who love a women wouldnt say "i love u" so easily.
dad is so true about it.

yarasha sayang sadli and that is all that matters..
hmmmm muackz..
thank you for everything dear..
im glad i have you..

love
yarasha

why do u have to leave me?

2007-07-24T07:53:00.000-07:00

"you still stick to your ego. how could you do this to me?"
"i penat ngan your perangai ar. bosan tau tak."
"Leave me if you dah bosan ngan me. jux leave me ; ( "
"Do i have a choice to do?"
"you always have a choice."

yah jurong medical center is not even a clinic for usual sickness and im like a dum to go here and there to look for a doc for my medication of cough, asthma and soar throat.
Got my mc today and he wanted me to dressed up nicely to meet him. For him, i did it. i have to go home 1st all the way from jurong east polyclinic to jurong extention. wear my make up, my skinny black jeans. my red top which he loved it.
i Thought i looked nice.
HAve to wait for him at jurong east and he was so late and time is running short for us to spend for each other.
reached vivo city, and we were late for a movie. gosh that already sucks enough.
i was wearing my hooded jacket and it obviously hides my red top and he nag about it. im sick and i got alot of project and i still make for a date with him. Tried to be nice but he still sticks to his stuck up attitude.
went shopping but i couldnt buy what i wanted. again he nag and nag to me because, i got a job offer for tomorrow from 2-10. and he wasnt happy that i dint told him about it. day before, he told me that we either meet on tuesday or wednesday. cox he need a day to rest. so i planned it to be a tuesday where i thought i can work for some cash the day after. And also he did mentioned that he might need to work on wednessday.
bla bla bla.. feels shitty right now. im never the perfect girl for him i guess. and its torturing me. im always to be blamed. im always in the wrong. Everything i do is never right. even if i sulk, he wouldnt come and pujuk me at all. and i always have to give in.
and when we head home, he wanted to go off separate ways. he said that from outram, its nearer to go by cthall to reach woodlands and i really find it as a lame excuse.
i guess its jux my "lucky day"! im like sick and have to go home alone. having a bf who dont even know to send me home.

why do you have to leave me dear?
why dont you care?

i miss you so much but is this what i deserve from you?

i tried to stop all the tears im eyes but its still overflowing..
all the sparks simply gone when u get my heart broken...

my bumblebee

2007-07-23T09:17:00.000-07:00

"baby.. i'll call u back"

He said that wen he was busy with work. Which somehow make me put up a big smiles. why? gosh! he had (almost) never said that to me! i mean like when i called him, he ususally dun pick up or even if he did, he would say "im busy" when he is at work.

Yeah anyway, meet him for lunch today. So much of joy just to see him!! These days, he looks perfectly like i wish he would be. And suddenly i start to reminise how he was almost 3 yrs back..

Back then, he really look like a mat thailand, wear worn out slipper and sort of corrupted with his cap and unshaved extra facial hair like beard and stuff.. and i dislikes how he dressed up. Very hard to see him being cute or at least look better during his poly days..

Thinking about it again, im actually being very wicked to (almost) leave him just becox he dint dress well to meet me. How could i? saying to him " i cannot love you anymore!" and the next day, i meet him for(almost the last time) but get melted down to see how gorgeous he looks and feeling the breeze blowing at me.. i was hooked, i fell in love with him again.. i could see his hurts thru his eyes and i felt bad. Ran to him and gave him a tight hug. He on the other hand, was still furious at me and couldnt believe why on earth would i hug him when i dun love him. Tried hard to convince my love at that point of time and he accepted me once again..

i must be a lucky girl. i wouldnt if i dint have him in my life i guess.. it still makes me feel guilty to have hurt him back then. Now, i learn to appreciate him better and ouh im so much in love with him...

dear.. thank you for everything..

hmmmm muackz!

life it is for now

2007-07-18T09:41:00.000-07:00

sometimes i love him and sometimes he makes me feel alone. When he ask, "are you alright?" i cant say that im not. Like today, we were happily talking about games and stuff like that. it occured to me that he haven ask me to come over to his house to play xbox 360 ever since he bought it a year ago. Its then that i realised that it was him who insisted and sort of avoiding me to come over to his home. i felt like the perfect stranger. we are almost to our 3rd yr relationship but somehow i don't think that i can prove to the world that we are a pair of lovers. Even when we bump into his Aunt in the MRT, he dun even have the guts to inroduce to her that i am at least a friend or something. My scariest nightmare is that i would loss him if a tragic thing happen to him and making him loss his memories. No one could even stand up for me to say to him that we are one.
we are neither married nor engage. Even the talk of this makes him mad cause all he had to say is that im so dull of crap and all my confessions makes him angry. who else would i turn to?

me: dear.. im not feeling ok. i felt that you won't let me go over to your house..

All i need is his attention, care and concern to what im feeling. Expecting a console or words of comfort from him, i got myself a furious man instead. Sigh. There goes the day that ends up to be a cold one.

my 1st personal story

2007-05-29T09:32:00.000-07:00

i couldnt possibly make my private life being exposed to the world yet i have the itch to write on something in here and i couldnt stand to keep everything in my heart.

Just a short brief story about my life. I have a boyfriend who is really great in many ways and loves me so very much. im still schooling though im 23 years old this year. Had a big family and i always quarel with my devilic younger sister who always wears from my head to toe apparels. *it really sux..

i have a great bestfren but both of us is always busy with our own private life. Very Greatful to have her in my life and she had been there when i needed a friend the most for my heart breaking moments.

Heart breaking moments? yeap so that would be classified as my cruel past. And my one and only which by right cannot be considered as an ex boyfriend, who dumped me for his ex girlfriend. duh! its been after like 5 darn years ive been over by the whole "ex" thang and suddenly, yeaterday i recalled a moment. i actually said to him "i wish you died being smashed by a lorry!" when i get to know his lies and for leaving me for another girl. i dint know why i said that 5 years ago and gosh am i being wicked?? whatever. Anyway we did became friends- pretty close friends actualy but that was untill i found my sweet darling who saved me from all the tragical moments of love. So i guess im over with my past but many times, i still dream about him but i simply forget what the dream is all about when i woke up. Not to be bothered i reckon.

so that's about it. My life and my past.